SAINT CHARLES, MO -- The everlasting feud between the Arnette brothers continues this week as they struggle to outdo each other during the faculty's annual "Secret Santa" celebration, when a glitch in the system gave them both the same person to be "Secret Santas" to. Mr. A. Arnette drew Mr. Hohe from the hat, and somehow, Mr. B. Arnette drew the same. They both thought for at least three days straight, doing nothing but thinking, on what to get them. They needed something thoughtful, yet at the same time superior to the other brother's gift. They had to take full advantage of this mess-up. After those three days, they each went out and purchased the "perfect gift," and anxiously awaited the big reveal that Friday after the students were let out. When the time came, they were both surprised to find that they had bought Hohe the exact same gift. A year-long subscription to Family Life, a popular Amish magazine. Ignoring Hohe's cries of, ...

SAINT CHARLES, MO -- Buses throughout the Orchard Farms bus lot are relaxing this holiday season, without hundreds of children haunting their seats. At least three buses were seen at Massage Envy this weekend, and on-campus sources suspect they even hosted a rave on Saturday night, playing top hits like "Monster Mash" and "Grandma Got Runover by a Reindeer." At 2am, at least three buses were seen driving in circles around the track at Luxembourg Field, and we still don't know why. The district-owned vehicles even took part in the festivities, despite often being ostracized by the buses because "they don't know what it's like" due to their lack of use by students. The floor-polishing vehicle, however, refused to take part because "it was too cold outside" and he "had floors to polish." The intellectual buses could be seen in the corner of the lot, playing serious games of chess and Monopoly stolen from the high school L...

SAINT CHARLES, MO -- A student was surprised to find Mrs. Frost appearing at her front door this holiday season while she was in the middle of baking cookies for Santa Claus. "I just heard the doorbell ring, and there she was," the student says. "I was very confused, until she told me the reason why she was there." Frost was at the student's door after hearing through one of her "inside sources" that the student had not announced to the entire family as well as to at least three neighbors that she was preparing to open the oven. "I taught her for three years, and I just can't believe she would go and disrespect my teachings like that," the teacher said in a statement last night. "It said specifically on every worksheet that we did that you must not only inform everyone in the room, but you must inform at least three other people outside the building. We had those kids trekking out in the snow to let the administration know we w...

SAINT CHARLES, MO -- A student was seen desperately begging Mrs. Pipkens to switch him out of his Biomed class this afternoon, tears in his eyes as he pleaded to be removed from the "neverending torture" of investigating Anna Garcia's death. "I don't even care how she died, man," he was heard saying. "I don't want to write another autopsy report. I can't write another autopsy report." Mrs. Pipkens looked into his eyes and considered him for a moment, before simply responding with, "No." The student then reportedly stormed out of her office, grabbed the MIT banner off the wall and proceeded to rip it to shreds with his teeth, much like Garcia's dog. We're still not sure why he chose MIT. The student had reportedly waited three weeks to get even three seconds to talk to Pipkens, who is currently in high demand as more and more students fail their Biomed exams. The reasoning behind the continued denying of requests t...

SAINT CHARLES, MO -- Michelle Obama herself has reportedly begun to "crack down on the cookie addiction at Orchard Farms High School." A certain Mr. Kolb has been known to bake hot, gooey, delicious cookies every morning, but some students and teachers are beginning to get suspicious. "I am unwavering in my belief that those are crack cookies," one student says. "There's simply no other explanation." Last week, a student was found in hysterics after Kolb sold his last cookie and was unable to supply the student with one. "She was like, on the floor, convulsing or something," a witness reports, "It was disturbing." The school has taken little to no action against the cookies, despite several parents threatening to sue. Finally, the problem caught the attention of former First Lady Michelle Obama, who is an outspoken advocate for children's health issues. "This is a prime example of what we, as a nation, need to be pu...

SAINT CHARLES, MO -- Orchard Farms High hosted a Quiz Bowl tournament Tuesday evening, inviting guests from across the St. Louis and St. Charles areas to join in on two rounds of answering obscure questions that humans were never meant to know the answers to. One student reports, "It's like Jeopardy, but without all the good parts." Upon entering the building, several of the teams reported being "disappointed" and "confused" by the lack of stairwells and unnecessarily long hallways. "I don't know what to do without stairs. It's an essential part of my life." At the mention of this, an OF team member pointed out that we do have three sets of stairs, but they're all on the stage. Upon noticing that the stage is, for some reason, in the middle of the cafeteria, an outsider remarked, "Wow, they can eat lunch and watch a performance!" Several OF Quiz Bowl members shook their heads solemnly. They don't know. They nev...

SAINT CHARLES, MO -- Mr. Seideman was reportedly seen laughing and dancing on failed final exams Thursday night, greedily awaiting the next round of exams to come the next day. "I thrive off suffering," we heard him saying to a certain Mr. Talleur, who was nodding in agreement and joining in on the festivities. "I've figured out a way to turn failed exams into Bitcoin through the black market, and then use those Bitcoin to buy more headbands to wear to school with little to no explanation." Seideman apparently plans to host a party celebrating the sheer amount of failed exams this year, which has been "unlike any other." Reported guests include Anna Garcia's ghost, who Seideman has also been rumored to employ to haunt students' homes the night before the test as to lessen the amount of sleep they get. All this after several students took it upon themselves to start a Kickstarter earlier this week to help with his daughter's disease. ...

SAINT CHARLES, MO -- Inspired by her "obscure" interest in satire news source The Onion and her chronic lack of sleep, a local teen has inspired many by creating a "silly" little news website at 10:44pm on a Thursday night. "I have no recollection of ever even creating it," the girl, who asked not to be named, reports. "I remember finishing my Geography study guide, but after that it's all a blur. I think that maybe I was on one of my kicks where I think I can take on a big project." As she spoke, she dropped SD cards containing footage of a short film she was planning on creating into her favorite candle and watched them burn. "It happens every few months or so. Then I get sad." She says that she plans on doing some hard-hitting stories in the future, reporting mainly on the annoyances of everyday life at her small, rural high school. "It's like, have you ever heard of the term 'the gift that keeps on giving?...