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Student Desperately Tries To Escape Biomed Class, "No," Says Mrs. Pipkens

SAINT CHARLES, MO -- A student was seen desperately begging Mrs. Pipkens to switch him out of his Biomed class this afternoon, tears in his eyes as he pleaded to be removed from the "neverending torture" of investigating Anna Garcia's death.

"I don't even care how she died, man," he was heard saying. "I don't want to write another autopsy report. I can't write another autopsy report."

Mrs. Pipkens looked into his eyes and considered him for a moment, before simply responding with, "No."

The student then reportedly stormed out of her office, grabbed the MIT banner off the wall and proceeded to rip it to shreds with his teeth, much like Garcia's dog. We're still not sure why he chose MIT.

The student had reportedly waited three weeks to get even three seconds to talk to Pipkens, who is currently in high demand as more and more students fail their Biomed exams.

The reasoning behind the continued denying of requests to drop out can be explained if we go back in the school's history books. You'll find that a few years ago, an Orchard Farms faculty member heard someone utter "STEM" and he was immediately hooked. It's reported that this faculty member went straight back to work, despite that it was Easter Sunday, and changed the school's entire curriculum. "He struck a nice deal with PLTW, and it hasn't been the same since," an anonymous teacher reported. "I remember the good old days."

The school's mission statement is actually "More STEM, less fine arts." That statement cost the school over $400, after they gave up on making it catchy and finally resorted to paying some guy on Fiverr to make it for them. "I think it really encompasses what the school wants," the man, Jim, said. "However, the 'S' in this STEM stands for both science and sports. Nifty, right? Took me three years to come up with."

The school is now part of an elite group of rural schools that not only participate in FFA, but also participate in STEM programs. We are dangerously hovering near the minimum amount of students in STEM classes required to be part of the program. "That's why we can't let them leave," Pipkens reports. "We know they're suffering. We see that. But they need to realize -- 'More STEM, less fine arts.' Visualization is the key."

FFA, reportedly, is doing "just fine", mostly due to their sick jackets. Have you seen those things? Warm and cozy looking as heck. Would become a farmer, just for those jackets.

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