SAINT CHARLES, MO -- Fear and panic in Orchard Farm High School this morning as the freshman and sophomore class' planned community service field trip was canceled due to inclement weather conditions. Upon the release of this decision from administration, students panicked, lost, confused as to what exactly they were meant to be doing today. In the midst of the uproar from students and teachers all shouting the same question, "Why did we plan this trip if we already knew the weather was going to be bad?" An unlikely dictator has stepped forward -- the Orchard Farm High School golf team. That's right, folks. The golf team has taken control of the school. After forcing Dr. Jones out of his seat as principal, we are now being led by Mr. B. Arnette and his group of cronies, ruling the school with an 8 iron golf club (or a 9, depending on how angry you make them). Bathroom vapers beware today as, reportedly, the team has occupied the bathrooms as well. Any vapers cau

SAINT CHARLES, MO -- Beating the last school record of five minutes, fifty-two seconds by an eight-second margin, two students have defied the odds and shown us that love is stronger than anything today when they kept their relationship together for an astonishing six minutes. Students witnessing the event could hardly believe it. "They walked down the whole hallway holding hands -- and then they turned around and did it again. People were stopping smack-dab in the middle of the hall just to witness it. It was insane." Other astonishing details include that the two actually utilized a brand new, revolutionary relationship-lengthening strategy called communication. "Your mom has a weird wart on her nose," one said, to which the other responded, "You're right. I'll take her to the wart doctor tomorrow." Within a minute, the entire conflict was resolved (this was a huge surprise, given the amount of relationships ended this year alone over nose wa

SAINT CHARLES, MO - Orchard Farm Senior High School is in a state of shock and panic after hearing that one student doesn't want to go into the STEM field after college. The student, who wants to remain anonymous for safety reasons, commented on the matter. "I just don't feel like that's the field for me. I don't like science, I don't like technology, and I failed out of Schneider's class in middle school, so engineering is definitely out... And we don't want to talk about mathematics." The student says that they want to pursue "becoming a teacher", however, upon hearing this, all teachers turned on the student as well. "We don't want any new competition. Some of these students may enter the workforce while we're still working here. We're not gonna risk it." Along with constant taunts concerning the lack of money the student will make, students have also been giving the student a hard time after the student als

SAINT CHARLES, MO -- The owner of this website who shall not be named released a plea today for new article ideas. "Please," she muttered. "Just one idea. Just half an idea. I don't care, just give me something. What do you hate about Orchard Farm? Tell me that. I'll write you a whole essay. Please." In addition, the owner mentioned that she will be opening up spots for others to write articles on the website, as long as they pass inspection by her before being posted. This is all in an effort to revive the dead horse that is the Hawk Gazette. "I should have named it after the predator of the eagle," she said. "I wasn't thinking. That would've been way funnier." All interested in either of the above things mentioned should contact the owner of this website who shall not be named at gshortt@ofr5.com.

SAINT CHARLES, MO -- Last year, we reported on the infamous Kolb cookie epidemic, in which a teacher by the name of Mr. Kolb was found to be selling near-impossible amounts of cookies to students who were showing signs of addiction. Questions were raised about Kolb's cookie-making techniques, and whether he was actually using some sort of hidden drug in the cookies -- could our beloved Kolb be selling us crack cookies , we asked? Alarmed parents rang in by the millions, concerned with the wellbeing of their children. To this day, we still have no plausible evidence that there may be actual crack in the cookies, but we're still on the lookout. Several parents have banned their students from purchasing the cookies, sending at least five students to the hospital with withdrawal symptoms. A new development early this semester came when Mr. Kolb announced he would be stepping down from his teaching position at Orchard Farm to move to Florida. "It's too cold here,"

SAINT CHARLES, MO -- "Sorry. I'll get back on track in a minute," says she.