Skip to main content

God Forbid: Student Doesn't Want to Go Into STEM Field After College

SAINT CHARLES, MO - Orchard Farm Senior High School is in a state of shock and panic after hearing that one student doesn't want to go into the STEM field after college.

The student, who wants to remain anonymous for safety reasons, commented on the matter. "I just don't feel like that's the field for me. I don't like science, I don't like technology, and I failed out of Schneider's class in middle school, so engineering is definitely out... And we don't want to talk about mathematics."

The student says that they want to pursue "becoming a teacher", however, upon hearing this, all teachers turned on the student as well. "We don't want any new competition. Some of these students may enter the workforce while we're still working here. We're not gonna risk it."

Along with constant taunts concerning the lack of money the student will make, students have also been giving the student a hard time after the student also publicly declared that they don't vape OR juul. "I heard there's antifreeze in Juuls that can give you lung cancer. Also, I just don't understand it. What's so cool about watching vapor come out of your mouth?"

In addition, the student refuses to give into the Supreme hypebeast craze, and doesn't have an Instagram page in which they post pictures with their favorite friends at parties in order to send passive agressive messages to those who a) Aren't their favorite friend and/or b) weren't at the party. "I just don't understand the popularity culture in this day and age. It doesn't appeal to me."

More to come on this alarming and story, sure to incite fear in everyone in the Orchard Farm-Portage de Sioux area.

Comments

  1. TheRealScientistMarch 2, 2018 at 7:01 AM

    This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  2. TheRealScientistMarch 2, 2018 at 7:04 AM

    I think this points to a bigger issue at our school: communist infiltrators that are preventing the pledge of allegiance from occurring every day. This should be investigated with the utmost care.....

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Biomed Teacher Laughs, Dances on Failed Final Exams

SAINT CHARLES, MO -- Mr. Seideman was reportedly seen laughing and dancing on failed final exams Thursday night, greedily awaiting the next round of exams to come the next day. "I thrive off suffering," we heard him saying to a certain Mr. Talleur, who was nodding in agreement and joining in on the festivities. "I've figured out a way to turn failed exams into Bitcoin through the black market, and then use those Bitcoin to buy more headbands to wear to school with little to no explanation." Seideman apparently plans to host a party celebrating the sheer amount of failed exams this year, which has been "unlike any other." Reported guests include Anna Garcia's ghost, who Seideman has also been rumored to employ to haunt students' homes the night before the test as to lessen the amount of sleep they get. All this after several students took it upon themselves to start a Kickstarter earlier this week to help with his daughter's disease. ...
1 comment
Read more

Michelle Obama -- "The Cookie Addiction Has Gone Too Far"

SAINT CHARLES, MO -- Michelle Obama herself has reportedly begun to "crack down on the cookie addiction at Orchard Farms High School." A certain Mr. Kolb has been known to bake hot, gooey, delicious cookies every morning, but some students and teachers are beginning to get suspicious. "I am unwavering in my belief that those are crack cookies," one student says. "There's simply no other explanation." Last week, a student was found in hysterics after Kolb sold his last cookie and was unable to supply the student with one. "She was like, on the floor, convulsing or something," a witness reports, "It was disturbing." The school has taken little to no action against the cookies, despite several parents threatening to sue. Finally, the problem caught the attention of former First Lady Michelle Obama, who is an outspoken advocate for children's health issues. "This is a prime example of what we, as a nation, need to be pu...
Post a Comment
Read more

Arnette Brothers Struggle To Outdo Each Other During Faculty "Secret Santa" Celebration

SAINT CHARLES, MO -- The everlasting feud between the Arnette brothers continues this week as they struggle to outdo each other during the faculty's annual "Secret Santa" celebration, when a glitch in the system gave them both the same person to be "Secret Santas" to. Mr. A. Arnette drew Mr. Hohe from the hat, and somehow, Mr. B. Arnette drew the same. They both thought for at least three days straight, doing nothing but thinking, on what to get them. They needed something thoughtful, yet at the same time superior to the other brother's gift. They had to take full advantage of this mess-up. After those three days, they each went out and purchased the "perfect gift," and anxiously awaited the big reveal that Friday after the students were let out. When the time came, they were both surprised to find that they had bought Hohe the exact same gift. A year-long subscription to Family Life, a popular Amish magazine. Ignoring Hohe's cries of, ...
1 comment
Read more