SAINT CHARLES, MO -- Michelle Obama herself has reportedly begun to "crack down on the cookie addiction at Orchard Farms High School."
A certain Mr. Kolb has been known to bake hot, gooey, delicious cookies every morning, but some students and teachers are beginning to get suspicious.
"I am unwavering in my belief that those are crack cookies," one student says. "There's simply no other explanation."
Last week, a student was found in hysterics after Kolb sold his last cookie and was unable to supply the student with one. "She was like, on the floor, convulsing or something," a witness reports, "It was disturbing."
The school has taken little to no action against the cookies, despite several parents threatening to sue. Finally, the problem caught the attention of former First Lady Michelle Obama, who is an outspoken advocate for children's health issues. "This is a prime example of what we, as a nation, need to be putting a stop to."
Mrs. Obama is scheduled to make an appearance later in second semester, although she says, "Barack may have trouble navigating the desolate country roads."
Mr. Kolb has replied to the backlash in a statement, saying, "It's an entrepreneurial endeavor. There's no foul play, I promise. Just warm, gooey, delicious, hot, fresh cookies. This is the last batch of the day. Come get your cookies. Only two left. One dollar. Cookies. Come get them."
Kolb's past job as a shady used car salesman doesn't help his case, though. Kolb Motors was a short-lived business with quite a history, but we can't talk too much about it in fear of a lawsuit. All we can say is that it was headquartered in Guam.
Some report that he may have also been a shady auctioneer at one point, but the only evidence to back up that claim is his smooth-talking salesman dialect, as heard in his famous speech heard by millions and said to move some to tears, "Come Get Your Cookies. Hot And Fresh. Last Batch Of The Day."
More to come on this hot, fresh, warm, gooey story.
A certain Mr. Kolb has been known to bake hot, gooey, delicious cookies every morning, but some students and teachers are beginning to get suspicious.
"I am unwavering in my belief that those are crack cookies," one student says. "There's simply no other explanation."
Last week, a student was found in hysterics after Kolb sold his last cookie and was unable to supply the student with one. "She was like, on the floor, convulsing or something," a witness reports, "It was disturbing."
The school has taken little to no action against the cookies, despite several parents threatening to sue. Finally, the problem caught the attention of former First Lady Michelle Obama, who is an outspoken advocate for children's health issues. "This is a prime example of what we, as a nation, need to be putting a stop to."
Mrs. Obama is scheduled to make an appearance later in second semester, although she says, "Barack may have trouble navigating the desolate country roads."
Mr. Kolb has replied to the backlash in a statement, saying, "It's an entrepreneurial endeavor. There's no foul play, I promise. Just warm, gooey, delicious, hot, fresh cookies. This is the last batch of the day. Come get your cookies. Only two left. One dollar. Cookies. Come get them."
Kolb's past job as a shady used car salesman doesn't help his case, though. Kolb Motors was a short-lived business with quite a history, but we can't talk too much about it in fear of a lawsuit. All we can say is that it was headquartered in Guam.
Some report that he may have also been a shady auctioneer at one point, but the only evidence to back up that claim is his smooth-talking salesman dialect, as heard in his famous speech heard by millions and said to move some to tears, "Come Get Your Cookies. Hot And Fresh. Last Batch Of The Day."
More to come on this hot, fresh, warm, gooey story.
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